Let's be fair. The title of this post is confusing at first, but once you read it in full, I hope you will understand why. Do let me know if otherwise since this has been on my mind for some time.
With that said, I did some reflection during the weekend since we are halfway through 2026. On paper, I know that I did a lot such as contributing to open source for the first time, networking, etc. I know that I did a lot than I ever did but the more I think about it, the more shallow it becomes.
For example, on dev.to, I was able to grow an audience and became Moderator on the platform, which I was REALLY grateful for. I never really got this far in life where I was given the responsibility as a moderator at all. I was more of a joking type of person where even though my tone is more energetic and funny in a way, I still get my point across. It's usually the main reason why people don't really trust me on mod powers because of my behavior being volatile in a energetic way.
Besides the point, when I started to reflect on this, the only thing I can think of is "Oh, I just got moderator". Now that sounds so ungrateful if you read it, but my mind was thinking that in a very high level. It felt like I achieve one thing that shouldn't took a month to do. It didn't feel very accomplish in a sense.
My whole goal for this year is to try to find a full time role since I am graduating next year. When reflecting on what I did in the past 6 months, it felt very disappointing. In a high level, I accomplished:
- Networking on dev.to and Virtual Coffee.
- Updating my Resume and Portfolio.
That's it.
This made me feel disappointed in myself because I should have done more, but how should I know this beforehand? I feel behind because of the improvements that I made in which I should have accomplish this in a fraction of those 6 months instead of being 6 months.
You could argue that I contributed to Open Source and made projects with other people. But even thinking about those makes me feel like I should have done this before. You could also argue that my "portfolio looks cool". I agree, but so is other people's portfolio. With projects in general, I have been using AI more than I should. As a result, it feels that I am not growing at all regardless of the amount of contributions I have made.
You know what's crazy?? It made me realized that I have been helping others more than myself. I have been giving advice to people that is helpful on dev.to but couldn't apply that advice to myself. In other words, "I guide others to a treasure I cannot possess". It made me feel like a fraud.
I have been giving advice, not knowing if it was helpful or not, and I am not getting anything in return. It's not that I am afraid of asking for help (which I am not), but I feel like I am being gate keep and being used by other people.
For example, there was a time where I had a two-column resume and sent in for feedback. The feedback was helpful for sure, but it was more basic than anything such as grammatical errors, Education should be top or bottom of the resume, etc. However, when I changed it to one column due to ATS, the same person reviewing my resume complemented me that I should be doing one column because of ATS. You know what's crazy:
"They never mention it before. They only mention it after I changed it to one column".
This is why I feel like I am being gate keep on the knowledge that should allow me to grow. I feel like a walking curse and that I am getting despised on from other people. This is mainly the reason why I am mostly self-taught on things because I simply don't trust other people's advice based on how common the feedback is and less of in-depth. It feels like they care less about my resume.
I don't know what to do. I feel like asking for help will get me the same answers that I already knew. Even if I were to implement the feedback I get that I already knew, it feels like I am behind based on the same feedback I hear countless times and not knowing if the feedback was useful at all.
That all I wanted to share. It's hard to stay hopeful. Maybe I am a sacrifice to allow others to grow in which I cannot no matter how much I tried. I am just used to people asking me for advice and simply leave. It feels really alone when just being on dev.to, knowing others would not care on what I do. I don't really have anyone to share my accomplishments with. Every time I share something, it falls into these categories:
- Ignore.
- They see it, but left on read.
- They see it and say good job..then move on to a different topic.
Even sharing posts with my friends on creating ClassifierAI with @codingwithjiro and getting engagements (which I am grateful for), it feels shallow and none of my friends even care about it since most of my friends are not technical. Even a few friends that are like me, it still the same result.
I don't think anybody would care. We are all focus on ourselves. Besides, I am just another statistic on DEV...
